Today is a little hard for me. I have spoken to my mum once in 14 years. Most days of the year I’m fine, it’s a distant memory that I have learnt to deal with and get on with. But there’s something about Mother’s Day that makes me feel the same emotions I felt for a long time. Anger. Confusion. Regret. Sadness.
Maybe it’s the constant posts on Facebook and Twitter. This is the society we live in today where every detail of people’s lives are posted, I participate in it so therefore I cannot complain about it. I love to see posts of people celebrating their family, especially of supportive and loving mothers. The posts don’t even make me jealous, envy of family relationships is something I made my peace with many years ago. The feeling I have is regret. Regret that a relationship cannot be retrieved. Regret that I don’t have that relationship with the woman who should want to know every detail about my life and help me through things. Regret that the woman who gave birth to me seems to have forgotten I even exist.
But the thing that keeps me positive on days like today? The relationship I have with my Nanna. She is the most amazing person with so many traits that I see in myself. Strong. Stubborn. Doesn’t listen to good advice 😂 This woman has been there for me my entire life, she became my ‘mum’ when I moved in with her at 16. I would not be where I am or the person I am today without the influence of this woman. And so I find myself thanking my mum actually, because without the relationship issues that exist there, I don’t know if the relationship I have with my Nanna would have developed in the way it did.
Yes I think about what could have been done differently or what would happen in the future if my mum made the effort to try to salvage a relationship. But in all honesty, I have everything I need in my Nanna and don’t feel at a ‘loss’ anymore.