If you had to honestly talk about how much confidence you have in yourself and your abilities, how would you ‘rate’ yourself?
I have next to no actual confidence in myself right now, every day I doubt my ability to complete this degree and get the grades I am hoping to achieve. I am well renowned for putting a lot of pressure on myself and anyone who knows me well can tell you that I am often very hard on myself when it comes to academic work (well most areas of my life actually!) I don’t know where this pressure comes from and I often wonder if it has something to do with me not having a relationship with my mum. By that I mean constantly trying to prove to myself that I am good at what I want to do and can succeed. I have a supportive partner, a close relationship with my Nanna who could not be prouder of me and a brilliant support network of friends but I still doubt myself.
We recently took an exam, I revised for weeks before and felt that I had done enough for a good mark. I opened the exam paper and was happy to see questions that I had revised for and knew the answers to. Then a table appeared that I had not looked at in revision and my confidence just disappeared. It threw me for the rest of the exam. I walked out of that exam convinced I had failed and would need to resit. Thankfully, we were on placement for the three weeks leading up to the results being published so I didn’t have a lot of spare time to sit worrying about it. The results were published and I achieved 88%. Instead of being very happy that I had achieved over my target of 70%, I was beating myself up about the 12 marks I had lost.
This certainly isn’t a new reaction from me, I finished my access course with 42 distinctions and 3 merits. You know what the one thing I focused on was? The 3 merits and why I had been too stubborn to ask for help to make sure I understood the subject. Even now, I’m writing assignments and reading them thinking ‘I’ll be lucky if this is even 40%’. I’m not the kind of person who can say that I’m good at something and actually believe it. I know that I possess the skills to be a good nurse, many of which have been gained from my care background. Despite people encouraging me and complementing me on my skills I still have doubts every day. I’m hoping that receiving some more assignment grades back will rebuild my confidence and help me to have less doubts about myself.
Do any of you have similar thoughts? What do you do to try to stop the doubts?